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teenagers and sleep overs  Actions...
Posted: by elephanteyes on Sun. 24 Jun., 2012 at 11:51:11 PM
I am looking for opinions.  My daughter just graduated, she is 17yrs old.  We are kind of at battle right now in that she wants to be able to stay overnight at her boyfriends house now that she has graduated.  I know a lot of people let their kids do this but it just does not sit well with me.  It has become a real problem and it is pulling us apart.  Has anyone else been through this that could over opinions or insight.  

 

elephanteyes
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such a tough  Actions...
Posted: by ABmom99 on Mon. 25 Jun., 2012 at 1:08:40 AM
In reply to: elephanteyes "teenagers and sleep overs"

debate for you. I hear you loud & clear - been there.  I'm thinking all you can really enforce are rules for within your home - bf doesn't get sleepovers in your home. She knows your stance. As much as your dd thinks she's all grown up because she's finished highschool... she's got a long ways to go.

However... in the end you have to choose your priority - what you think is the proper moral stance on one side vs letting your dd choose whatever she wants vs keeping a good relationship with her. The last thing you want (I assume) is to lose your dd  because she rejects your standards - (or you rejecting her standards as she'll see it). Keep those lines of communication open - you can't be punishing or grounding her - that will blow up in your face badly. Let her know this isn't something you condone - yet you can't shut her out for going against your standards. Its tough, you'll have a very sore tongue from biting it to keep from saying things you may both regret later.

do you know the boyfriend at all? can you talk to his parents (he lives at home or on his own?)  - they may be on the same page as you and not wanting your dd spending the nights at his place either -- so if both sets of parents are saying 'no' you're in a bit of a bonus position. Try to get to know the boyfriend - if he feels welcome in your home (ie dinners, or just watching movies on tv) - there may be less pressure to be at his place. 

sigh... it seems the days are gone when young adults finished highschool - they don't wind up moving in with their (same gender) friends sharing an apartment, but move in with the boy or girlfriend. I get they want independence... but that breather time with just the girls or just the guys... seems to be a thing of the past. With your dd now finished hs... what are her future plans? post-secondary schooling? job? continued living at home come September? Once she's no longer living at home... you have even less 'control' - you don't know the comings/goings, how she spends her time - and that's a relief. You may not want to 'kick her out' - but if she's pushing those limits on behaviors - sleepover at boyfriend's... you may actually find that away from home experience good for both of you.   good luck...

 

ABmom99
edited Mon. 25 Jun., 2012 @ 1:16:01 AM by ABmom99
 
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llll  Actions...
Posted: by sunny22 on Mon. 25 Jun., 2012 at 8:29:59 AM
In reply to: elephanteyes "teenagers and sleep overs"

It's not easy being the Mom is it.   I know, my dd is 21 now and we have been through these issues.

I have some questions for you. Is your dd on reliable birth control? Last thing you want or need is an unwanted pregnancy.

Secondly, how long has she been seeing this guy? do you know him well? does he have his own place?

How does she get home now when she sees him till late at night? does she drive or does he? Are you picking her up to come home?

Once my dd had/has a steady bf with his own apt I did let her stay overnight as I felt it was safer than having her drive home late (no chance of being hit by a drunk driver if you are not on the road). But, my dd was 20, not 17. She did do it once in awhile when she was younger, but that was usually due to special occasions when she was out very late.

Like it or not teens grow up very fast these days. Sometimes all we can do is pray we raised them to make good decisions for themselves and that they are responsible 'almost' adults.

 

 

 

 


 

 

sunny22
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my son  Actions...
Posted: by Koda on Mon. 25 Jun., 2012 at 1:41:43 PM
In reply to: elephanteyes "teenagers and sleep overs"
is 22, he doesn't stay his girlfriends house & she doesn't stay here. My daughter on the other hand was staying at her boyfriend's house frequently, but he lived an hour away & she was 18. I highly doubt that my sons girlfriend has slept over when my husband & I have been out of town, her parents probably wouldn't allow it. 






Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity. — Simone Weil

Koda
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My story....  Actions...
Posted: by krissie on Mon. 25 Jun., 2012 at 3:17:33 PM
In reply to: elephanteyes "teenagers and sleep overs"
my kid wanted to do that, it didn't sit well with me either. I was very blunt and of course she hated me, at that time. I told her she could go ahead, because I knew the only reason she wanted to, was for sex. I told her if she got pregnant, we would not help her and she would be on her own, period. I told her she was raised to be a young lady with class and we respected her a lot. Yes she fumed, and slammed her bedroom door. That evening she went nowhere, she stayed in her room. Next morning she hugged me and never said a word. She left,  came back in the evening, and we never spoke of it again. A few weeks later she broke up with the guy, and later on I found out it was him who was pressuring her. Today she has the job of her dreams, lives alone in a condo she bought, and she is dating a great guy, who also has his own place and business. When I think of what could have happened (pregnancy at a young age) it makes me glad I was harsh with her. You handle it the way you think you should. I think 17 is too young. Have you had some 'calm' conversations with your daughter about this?

krissie
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.....  Actions...
Posted: by green_sleeves on Mon. 25 Jun., 2012 at 6:39:31 PM
In reply to: krissie "My story...."
It sounds like all our DD's are related LOL. Mine tried to pull off the same thing but was told that up and until she was of age it was my responsibly to keep her safe and it was okay for her to have a 'good mad'Grin.  They get over themselves pretty quickly. 
Boyfriends were welcome to visit, be a part of the family but no sleeping over. Back then her friends hung out more as a group than boyfriends/girlfriends anyway.

All we can do is hope they make it to adulthood relatively unscathed and have morals. We can't stop them from having sex (they can do this anywhere any time). 
I agree with other posters who mentioned speaking to the boyfriends parents. A good thing to do anyway- have a relationship with our children's sweethearts parents so both sides are on the same page. 
So many things we don't know- how long have they known each other, how the OP feels about the boyfriend (does he treat her DD with respect?). Are they sexually active/birth control dealt with...all sorts of things. Are the boyfriends parents going to be home and where is DD planing on sleeping?
If it is innocent I see no harm and shows DD mom trusts her. If not innocent it would be wise to say no but boyfriend is welcome to come over and leave at midnight.
Many 17 year olds and younger want to start doing adult things yet have no clue that being a grown up doesn't happen overnight and if something unexpected happens, how to deal with the consequences. 
Sort of on the fence with this-  we cannot force our kids to do the right thing, yet we hope they make the right choices and respect themselves a lot more and not be used by young men and enjoy their fleeting youth instead of getting too serious with boys or girls. *sigh*.
I remember doing the same thing when I was 17 (after a 9 month stint in the hospital). My doctor told my mom that he thought it was a good idea for me to go.Huh? But.... it was my boyfriends parents home, everyone knew each other plus we were not allowed to sleep in the same bed.
So we cuddled all night and fell asleep on the couch.
Oh.....many years later we married.Heartbeat
                                          


                                                                             

No need to explain: your friends don't require it and your enemies won't believe you anyway.Grin


green_sleeves
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a few answers  Actions...
Posted: by elephanteyes on Mon. 25 Jun., 2012 at 7:34:20 PM
In reply to: green_sleeves "....."
I haven't spoken to his parents to see what their thoughts on this are, she would kill me if I did, but maybe I need to do that anyways.  And yes, we have had the birth control talk many times although I can't say if she is on it.  I told her if ever she is going to have sex she better make sure she is on the pill and use a condom.  The boy is a nice boy, they have been going out for about 8 months, he is a year younger in school.  She plans on going to university next year, and has to decide between a local school and one that is quite far away.  She has been getting around using one of my vehicles up until now, it needs a rather exspensive repair so I am not sure if I am going to continue to let her use it.  I do know she is really scared coming home late at night, even just running from the driveway to the door in the dark frightens her.  It's a tough age I find in that she now thinks since she has graduated she should not have to have any rules, but yet she wants all the advantages, such as a vechile to drive whenever she wants. 

 

elephanteyes
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........  Actions...
Posted: by green_sleeves on Mon. 25 Jun., 2012 at 8:14:20 PM
In reply to: elephanteyes "a few answers"
Well since she's 'all grown up' now and thinks graduating comes with all kinds of rights  Roll of the eyes it is time to have the JOB talk if she wants the privilege of driving your car. Show her on paper what it costs in insurance, gas, maintenance, repairs and cleaning of said vehicle. 
If she cannot work then she needs to show a lot more respect and earn the right to use the car.
I would not put up with attitude then hand over my car keys. To keep her safe I would drop her off and pick her up.

I doubt she would kill you LOL. That is against the law. Sure she will feel you are prying into her life. Having said that, any family who has a relationship outside the family should include this person into the fold. If that is 'oh mom' it shows her 17 year old immaturity. 
 I understand to a point why she'd throw a fit if you spoke to his parents (she sees it as being treated like a child). All depends on how it is handled. We all require a modicum of privacy but simply being friendly and knowing what basic things are going on her life shouldn't be an issue. 
You should know if she is on birth control, simply because it is medication. 
Rules are rules since you pay the bills. Dumping a bad attitude on you for requiring her to step up to the plate should not be tolerated.
Might be time to read up on natural consequences for older teens.
 At this age they expect a lot with not much in return and do behave'somewhat' selfish LOL. 
I wouldn't fight about this- give her a mirror and walk away when she starts. As long as she is 100% dependant on you financially then let her know there are rules to follow. She should know that up and until she is of legal age, you you can be held responsable for her and her actions.

Small expectations like calling to let you know where she is is just common manners everyone in the family abides by. Would she like it if you went to work or out for the day then stopped at a friends home for dinner and not call?

 
                                          


                                                                             

No need to explain: your friends don't require it and your enemies won't believe you anyway.Grin


green_sleeves
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When our daughter  Actions...
Posted: by krissie on Mon. 25 Jun., 2012 at 8:19:52 PM
In reply to: elephanteyes "a few answers"
graduated she announced she wanted to be treated like an adult, have no rules and do as she pleases.  My husband agreed with her and told her she would get her wishes as soon as she paid room and board. LOL that took her down a few notches.  Sometimes you have to shake them up a bit......

krissie
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I would make sure  Actions...
Posted: by a.doll on Sat. 30 Jun., 2012 at 10:38:20 AM
In reply to: elephanteyes "a few answers"

she was on some form of birth control - I would do that immediately.  I would not leave that decision up to her but support her in making the decision to do it.

Sounds like you otherwise have a pretty good relationship with your daughter with occasional ups and downs which is normal as far as I'm concerned.  Complete compliance would cause me concern.  She is meant to test her boundaries.

 
 

When you feel in your gut what you are and then dynamically pursue it – don’t back down and don’t give up – then you’re going to mystify a lot of folks. ― Bob Dylan

The poster formerly known as plexy (stolen from Jack Johnson)  and before that known as sexyplexy (nickname just for fun!)  ;)

 

 


 

 

a.doll
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How is it going, elephanteyes?  Actions...
Posted: by catsknit on Tue. 3 Jul., 2012 at 11:59:50 PM
In reply to: elephanteyes "teenagers and sleep overs"

Did you and your DD sort things out?  I hope you did.

My children are too young at the moment for me to experience this, but my friend has just gone through something similar, I guess.

Her son has just finished his first year at university, living at home while he did.  They recently moved to a tiny house so they sectioned off a room in the basement for him.  He comes in the side door, heads up to the kitchen, or down to his own room. 

He has had a series of friends stay over, both M & F, with no concerns, but recently introduced his new boyfriend to his parents.  This is 'the one' and it is the first time he has come out to his parents, although his mother has known since he was about 4, she says. 

Because of the house set up, and the fact that he has always had friends to sleep over, it is a non-issue for her.  However, there are two younger children who don't know that this is a relationship, as opposed to friendship. 

Just wanted to present the other side of the coin to you.  Hypothetically, if your DD had sleepovers at a (female) friend's house, then came out to you, would you forbid her to sleep over?  I am not saying what is right or wrong--in fact it is a very grey area at this point. 

I agree with the others that it is most important that they are using a reliable form of birth control.  Perhaps she is not old enough for all decisions but she is old enough for plenty of responsibility. 

Rule Britannia!  Britannia Rules the Waves . . . . .

catsknit
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tough still  Actions...
Posted: by elephanteyes on Thu. 5 Jul., 2012 at 7:19:31 PM
In reply to: catsknit "How is it going, elephanteyes?"

Well things are still not easy, I didn't let her drive my vechicle, so she went out and bought a junker car (with her money). Without my knowing or having someone check the car out. She does have a part time job so she has her own money.  The car is so much of a junker though that I worry about her safety in it.  Last night while talking she started to cry because she said she felt like she was going to die in that car because it jerks down the road.  I asked then why did you buy it then and she said because you wouldn't let me drive yours, as if I was to blame for it.

Last week I did say she could stay at her boyfriends house, and all of a sudden she decided to stay at a friends house instead, I think maybe his Dad had said no (not sure, but relieved anyways).  I'm just not sure how to navigate this age, now she says she wants to move out!  It is all pretty heart wrenching for me, I feel like I am being pushed away, and like nothing I do or say is ever right.

 

elephanteyes
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her coming of age  Actions...
Posted: by a.doll on Fri. 6 Jul., 2012 at 1:28:51 PM
In reply to: elephanteyes "tough still"

I'm sorry to read that things are still tough between you and your daughter. 

My question to you is - will you let her emerging sexuality come between you? 

When raising my kids I had to expand my boundaries somewhat and often it went beyond my comfort zone.  As long as my kids are still talking to me it is a good thing.  As long as they are making safe decisions - it is a good thing.  When each became sexually active we discussed birth control and STDs/AIDS and any other concern that came to mind.  We also discussed the responsibility that goes with being sexually active including accountability to each other (the couple).  When the relationship between youth reaches that point it becomes much more complicated. 

What saved our relationship was that my kids kept talking to me.  I don't mean every gory detail - neither one of us would have wanted that!  I mean when they needed to make a big decision about something they came to me first. 

There comes a time when her sexuality really does become her business but we can ensure that she goes forward fully educated and prepared for the responsibilities.

(I went back and read your posts again and your daughter sounds like a pretty good kid.  She is making plans on attending university and cares about finding her way home safely at night.  Sounds like she and her boyfriend have been going out for quite awhile now and it does not surprise me they are sexually active.  I also noticed that you have spoken to her about birth control but left it up to her.  I think I would make sure she protects herself and not leave it up to her.)

 

 
 

When you feel in your gut what you are and then dynamically pursue it – don’t back down and don’t give up – then you’re going to mystify a lot of folks. ― Bob Dylan

The poster formerly known as plexy (stolen from Jack Johnson)  and before that known as sexyplexy (nickname just for fun!)  ;)

 

 


 

 

a.doll
edited Fri. 6 Jul., 2012 @ 1:32:21 PM by a.doll
 
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a. doll  Actions...
Posted: by elephanteyes on Fri. 6 Jul., 2012 at 6:25:57 PM
In reply to: a.doll "her coming of age"

a. doll you were very lucky that your kids kept talking to you.  She is very embarrassed when it comes to talking about sex with me.  That is why I have just told her that if she is going to have sex she needs to make sure she is on the pill, other than that I am not sure what I could do.  It is not like I could drag her to the doctor, she would never go willingly with me.  She is a good kid and I love her so much, sometimes I think maybe too much, although I know you could never love a child too much.  It's just hard to loosen up and let her go when I really don't want her to go.

 

elephanteyes
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my daughter was mortified  Actions...
Posted: by a.doll on Fri. 6 Jul., 2012 at 8:07:47 PM
In reply to: elephanteyes "a. doll"

by the idea of going to our own family doctor so we found a young woman doctor working at the same clinic to see her.  I was there for the first appointment.  I was surprised to hear from this doctor that girls as young as 16 are legally able to get the pill without their parents' permission. 

My kids are used to me being very open about things.

Hang in there!

 

 
 

When you feel in your gut what you are and then dynamically pursue it – don’t back down and don’t give up – then you’re going to mystify a lot of folks. ― Bob Dylan

The poster formerly known as plexy (stolen from Jack Johnson)  and before that known as sexyplexy (nickname just for fun!)  ;)

 

 


 

 

a.doll
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what a.doll said  Actions...
Posted: by green_sleeves on Sat. 7 Jul., 2012 at 8:59:38 PM
In reply to: elephanteyes "a. doll"
Your DD is still under-age and legally your responsibly until she turns 19. She must have a family doctor she's been going to for all her long long life? She wants to be all grown up yet shows her immaturity over a topic as basic as sex yet she wants to engage in it? 
She needs to take responsibly and ownership of her body. I would be checking to see if her periods are coming monthly just in case an unexpected pregnancy is happening so action can be taken immediately. 
Can you make a doctor appointment for her (she can go by herself) and speak to the doctor beforehand and tell him/her to talk birth control, what happens without it and write the RX? 
Kids this age can test your limits of sanity. Her telling you she wants to move out- can you compromise with rules that give her more space yet keep her safe at the same time. Of course you don't want her to go, she is still under-age! Even after turning of age it is hard to see them go but that is part of our evolution. 
Don't buy into her guilting you about the junk heap she threw her money on. If it is that unsafe I'd take out the starter so she cannot drive it-then she can't play the 'I feel unsafe game'  playing into your mom instincts thinking you will hand over your car keys.
                                          


                                                                             

No need to explain: your friends don't require it and your enemies won't believe you anyway.Grin


green_sleeves
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Teenagers  Actions...
Posted: by flowerpot on Sun. 8 Jul., 2012 at 3:15:43 PM
In reply to: elephanteyes "tough still"
They like to test your limits don't they?  Don't let her push your buttons and guilt you into lending her your car.  She went on her own to buy this junker, let her deal with it.  It's a good lesson in growing up, and reality.  I doubt she will ever be able to get rid of it.  If she is broke and can't afford the gas and insurance, don't lend her the money.
A bit of tough love is needed.  She wants to be a grownup, it's time she started feeling the pain of adulthood.  Responsibility.
Same as the sleeping over thing.  She needs to be on birth control.  And at her age, it's a smart thing to do.  When my daughters turned 16, even before they had a boyfriend and dated, I sent them to the doctor and let them ask for birth control.  I also told them they were responsible for paying for it and using it properly, then left it at that.  I basically told them that if they can't be responsible, then keep their pants zipped unless they were prepared for the consequences.  It kind of shocked them to hear me say that, but it worked.  We've always been able to openly talk to each other about any topic.  I guess it helped that I could keep my cool and not judge or criticize.
Good luck!
                                        

flowerpot
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