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I don't recognize her  Actions...
Posted: by Scrummy on Thu. 26 Apr., 2012 at 6:03:11 PM
In the months since I first suspected my best friend was pregnant, our relationship has suddenly changed. When the morning sickness started, it became hard to make plans with her or even talk to her through text or Facebook. While I'm supposedly one of her best friends (I was 1 of 2 bridesmaids), I was one of the last to know about the pregnancy (I suspected but she kept avoiding me). She told me she had let her other 2 close friends know because both have children and could better relate- ouch. Sensing this signaled a change, I asked her a couple of days after finding out what I could do to adapt (being single and not exactly professionally employed at the moment) to still have a place in her life. She said we were friends same as always...but I've only seen her three times since, twice at my prompting and once at a mutual friend's baby christening. 

Then this past weekend, I bumped into her dad, who accidentally revealed that she had had a miscarriage last summer. She hadn't told me, though months later she gave me a story about a gall bladder thing she'd been taken to the hospital for (I now suspect this was a cover for the miscarriage). At the time, I was shocked she'd kept that from me and said if she ever had to go to the hospital, for anything I wanted to be there for her. Doesn't matter if I'm having a crazy time in my own life or not. 

I just feel like everything was a sham now. Have I been that !@#% of a friend that I've shared all of my secrets and yet she didn't think she could trust me with hers? I would love to have a real chat, but she isn't talking to me right now about anything. And I can't really tell her I now know about the miscarriage since her dad didn't know I hadn't been told. What do I do?

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This  Actions...
Posted: by SpeedyTurtle7 on Thu. 26 Apr., 2012 at 6:44:33 PM
In reply to: Scrummy "I don't recognize her"

sort of thing frequently happens when one friend marries and the other doesn’t. The married one wants to socialize with couples instead of single friends because she wants to go on foursomes with her husband and hang around with people who are all doing the same things. It really is too bad because eventually your friend is going to realize that driving you away was not a very smart move.

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These things hurt...  Actions...
Posted: by TheCoho on Thu. 26 Apr., 2012 at 6:51:45 PM
In reply to: Scrummy "I don't recognize her"

It isn't pleasant to discover you have been left out of the loop.

Perhaps there are greater problems going on in your friend's life than she is willing to admit to herself. It's natural that you want to be supportive of your friend but you also have to realize that her DH is now her next of kin and a hospital admission for a miscarriage is very personal and not the kind of medical issue which you tell everyone about.  

I am going to suggest that you back off  and deal with this "crazy time" you admit to having in your own life...that alone might have skewed your perception of the events in your friend's life.



Coho salmon are prized for their excellent fighting abilities and acrobatics

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sometimes we have to adjust  Actions...
Posted: by rusel on Fri. 27 Apr., 2012 at 6:39:52 AM
In reply to: Scrummy "I don't recognize her"
I would back off and take it as a hint.  It must hurt, but just like with kids or any other relationship, be there when she needs you.  I had plenty of married friends when I was single, some with kids, and vice versa when I had kids.  One really close friend never had kids and was single for a long time, yet we've always had a great relationship.  Relationships do change, but they can change back and forth.  Being good friends with people in a totally different 'space' (coupled, kids etc.) can really show how good a relationship is.  As you say, you've had a 'crazy' time, and that might have affected you.  Just keep low, but be there, send a card once in a while - if the friendship is to be, then it will return.

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You said it yourself....  Actions...
Posted: by Marsha on Fri. 27 Apr., 2012 at 7:20:12 AM
In reply to: Scrummy "I don't recognize her"
you shared all of your secrets with her - that was YOUR choice. And it is her choice as to whom she wants to share her secrets with. Just because you are friends, even good friends, or even "best friends", does not mean she must share all her secrets with you.  She has a husband and she may quite naturally turn to him.  Some things (like the miscarriage) are maybe things she wants to keep to herself or only tell to select people and that is HER CHOICE.  The fact that you choose to share your secrets with her doesn't automatically mean she must do the same.

What do you do?  What do you want to do?  You can continue to be her friend if you want to, and try to come to an understanding that she has a lot of other things going on in her life so if she doesn't make as many plans with you or if you have to be the one arranging things and contacting her - well, you can accept that as a new factor in your relationship or you can pull away. It's up to you and it all depends on how much you value the friendship and like her as a friend.  She said you are still her friend and "friends same as always" so if you can put your hurt feelings aside, accept the fact that her secrets are "her secrets" and carry on, maybe taking time to get your own life in order and fill it out a bit (job, other activities, hobbies and interests), then do that but I think you'll have to accept that maybe your expectations of the friendship are different from hers and you need to readjust your thinking a bit.

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I would  Actions...
Posted: by shutterbug on Fri. 27 Apr., 2012 at 12:28:49 PM
In reply to: Scrummy "I don't recognize her"
I had had some issues with a friend not so long ago, and posted here. Someone suggested that I keep a friendship with her, but keep it to a bit more of a minimum, and to cultivate new friendships. That's what I'm doing, and that's my suggestion for you as well. Get in touch with old friends, and grow those friendships. Get involved in something that you love doing, and will enable you to meet some new people. And, I think that if I were you, I would probably put an end to telling her everything. There seems to be a dynamic balance, and if she's not telling you anything, I would take a cue from that.

As well, Speedy Turtle is correct, this often happens when one friend gets married and one doesn't, or when friends start having families and their single friends remain single. It's sad that it tends to happen that way, but it happens nonetheless.

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It's not easy  Actions...
Posted: by krissie on Sat. 28 Apr., 2012 at 8:40:07 PM
In reply to: Scrummy "I don't recognize her"
but maybe you should just step back for awhile.  Who knows why she is acting this way.  Life is a journey and some people stay briefly in our lives, and some stay longer. It's normal people with kids will socialize more with other families. Maybe she didn't want to bother you during your 'crazy' time in your life. You can do one of two things, next time you talk to her tell her you're sorry about her miscarriage, then she has to say something about it....or say nothing. Not everything that happens in our lives are an open book to everyone. I have been excluded from some information too from both family and friends, but you just learn to not get bent out of shape over it, and go on. I look at it this way, if it's not that important to let me know, then I guess it wasn't all that important.

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