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Not again (UPDATE) #2  Actions...
Posted: by flowerpot on Wed. 20 Jun., 2012 at 3:29:30 PM
This time it's my MIL.  She had fallen and broke her hip nearly 2 years ago.  She uses a walker and is still independent.  Monday night, she slipped off the edge of the bed and landed on her shoulder, breaking the bone just below the socket joint.  She is in the early-mid stages of dementia and the family is pretty sure she won't be able to go home and manage herself.  She is in city hospital awaiting surgery on Saturday.  It will take that long for the blood thinner drugs to get out of her system.  She is determined to go home, but there is no way she can be by herself anymore.  We are hoping her doctor and Home care will step in, otherwise we'll have to do some tough love.
There is no way she can come and live with any of us, our houses have stairs and bath facilities are in the basement or upstairs. 
She is a strong willed lady (ornery and controlling to be more direct, and always has been)  I hope that she does a lot of thinking while she lays in her hospital bed and makes an important decision on her own without us having to make it for her.
I'm still looking after my DH, I am being pulled in different directions and have just about reached my limit.  We are the closest in distance to her, her daughter lives a long ways away.

Update:  Talked to Sis-in-law tonight.  MIL had her surgery this morning.  She  seems more alert tonight and ate a good supper..  A plate and 7 screws is holding her shoulder bone together.  If she has a good night and day tomorrow, they will send her back to our local hospital to recover.  I don't know if she will ever be able to go home, and that will be a battle with her we're not looking forward to.

Update #2
MIL came home to our local hospital late Monday night.  We are trying hard to talk her into considering assisted living and she will have nothing to do with it.  She says she can manage and is determined to go home.  Sis-in-law said her mom told her she was going home this weekend.  She can't walk unassisted and can't use her walker (can't use her injured arm for 6 weeks) So how she thinks she can manage is beyond us.  Not getting any help convincing her from Home care or the doctor (they are leaving it up to her).  We have given up talking, what happens will happen, I guess.

edited Sun. 24 Jun., 2012 @ 12:11:39 AM by flowerpot
edited Wed. 27 Jun., 2012 @ 2:38:53 PM by flowerpot
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Oh dear. I feel for you.  Actions...
Posted: by KikiDEE on Wed. 20 Jun., 2012 at 3:45:17 PM
In reply to: flowerpot "Not again (UPDATE) #2"

We were in the same position with my mother who resisted moving into a nursing facility. We told her the time had come and she no longer had the choice given her circumstances, deterioration both in body and mind. It was a hard thing to have to do but for every one involved it was the only solution.

She would never admit it but I think really it was a relief to her in the end. She was looked after and we were all at peace that she was in a place that all her needs were tended to.

I hope it all works out. It is hard getting old and we are all going to be there some day. These are all learning experiences.



Semper ubi sub ubi!

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Flowerpot...  Actions...
Posted: by dreamer16 on Wed. 20 Jun., 2012 at 3:58:00 PM
In reply to: flowerpot "Not again (UPDATE) #2"
I've been there with this, with my great-aunt.  I became the decision-maker in this situation, and the one who was there for my aunt.

She too broke her hip first and wanted to return home.  We talked about this, and I promised to ensure she would return there if she first went to a convalescent centre in a retirement/nursing home type of place, but I found one that was more upscale and to her liking, but then, she did have the funds, so that made this much easier for me.

Sometime after she returned home she began to develop dementia.  We (as a family) continued to monitor this, since I knew she wanted to remain at home for as long as possible.  She had another 'incident' involving a fall and a small fracture, and this time, due to her increased dementia and her temporary disability, I decided, along with her doctors, nurses, and physio at the hospital that it would be nearly impossible for her convalescence elsewhere and then return home.  

Since she was still able to understand the situation in between bouts of minor confusion, I came into the hospital frequently and had discussions with her about this while she was recovering there.  Through this she was gradually able to understand that she was unable to return to her home and that, this time, plans would need to be put into place to transfer her to a permanent home where she would live out her remaining days.  What I did was ask her if she had any wishes when it came to this, and what she did want was a private room, so I arranged this for her, but as I stated, she did have the means to pay for this.  And, although she did wish to remain at home, she had told me earlier on that she didn't want to live with anyone and become a burden to them, since she'd had that done to her as a young bride and felt that she'd lost a couple of decades of her life while being forced to care for her elderly in-laws so she didn't want to 'inflict' that on anyone else.  So again, this did make it easier for me, even though I didn't have space in my home for her (my kids were already doubled up).

I've always found, either through personal circumstances or through my working experiences in nursing, that it's best to always involve the person in these decisions.  This might not go well, but at least there aren't any surprises for them so when they do reach their final destination the adjustment will eventually come easier.

Just my thoughts on this.

"Why fit in when you were born to stand out?"  Dr. Seuss

 "Your beliefs don't make you a better person, your behaviour does."  (unknown)

"If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking."  George S. Patton

The poster formerly known as Writer Mom (stolen from Prince)  

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Oh no  Actions...
Posted: by Mary... on Wed. 20 Jun., 2012 at 4:32:44 PM
In reply to: flowerpot "Not again (UPDATE) #2"
I'm so sorry to hear this, both for her and for you. It's such a sin when elderly hurt themselves, their bones can be so frail. I hope the right outcome presents itself without much hardship. I feel for you and the position you are in.

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Perhaps she isn't ready for a nursing home  Actions...
Posted: by Seriouslyconfused on Wed. 20 Jun., 2012 at 4:37:07 PM
In reply to: flowerpot "Not again (UPDATE) #2"

but would she be open into looking into an assisted living apartment?  She would still retain a semblance of independence but would have some monitoring facilities.  She could still retain her own furnishing (albiet minimal) and would have some of her precious items around her.

I also hope she has better luck with her surgery than DH did.  We are still fighting an open surgical wound (it is getting smaller).


The retraction of ones statements cannot change the initial impact or intent of words once said.

~Jaded Queen~
Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

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assisted living  Actions...
Posted: by flowerpot on Wed. 20 Jun., 2012 at 4:58:49 PM
In reply to: Seriouslyconfused "Perhaps she isn't ready for a nursing home"
DH and I have already gone to our local assisted living home and checked it out.  It's bright and new and we know it's perfect for her.  Although, when it was built, she did "look into it" herself and decided it wasn't for her (there are 2 floors of apartments for those who can manage on their own with minimal homecare).  "What would I do with my time?" she said.
We also called Home care to see what the procedure is to get MIL assessed.  The patient is assessed on a number scale.  #2 and 3, they go to assisted living, #4, they go to the Lodge, #5 they go to the Auxiliary Hospital.  Homecare and the doctor try and encourage the patient to make their own decision.  They can set up a family meeting and talk it through with the patient, and hopefully make them see the light.

We just found out at noon, that the surgeon won't do the surgery to fix her shoulder until Saturday.  MIL is on blood thinners and he wants all those drugs out of her system.  So, she has a few days of laying in bed by herself to think.  And we are crossing our fingers that her thinking will take her in the right direction.  The surgeon is hoping he can put the bone back in the socket so it's lined up well enough, he won't have to cut her open.  We are hoping for that too.

Hurry up and wait.  I know there are several on this forum who have gone through the same thing with their elderly parents.  I've read their stories with interest, knowing this day was coming for our family.

SC, I'm sorry that your DH is still fighting that infection.   It's been a long haul for your guys too.  Our biggest problem here is my DH's lack of strength.  I have to do some things that for my size and strength, I have no business doing.  But on the brighter side, I can change a flat tire and change oil now! 

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Perfect solution  Actions...
Posted: by dreamer16 on Wed. 20 Jun., 2012 at 5:09:29 PM
In reply to: flowerpot "assisted living"
So glad that you've found this in your community.  :-)

"Why fit in when you were born to stand out?"  Dr. Seuss

 "Your beliefs don't make you a better person, your behaviour does."  (unknown)

"If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking."  George S. Patton

The poster formerly known as Writer Mom (stolen from Prince)  

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{{{ HUGS }}}  Actions...
Posted: by Simply_Trying on Wed. 20 Jun., 2012 at 9:54:28 PM
In reply to: flowerpot "assisted living"
Hope things improves in your neck of the wood flowerpot.  

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.
Henry David Thoreau

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This is very tough on you...  Actions...
Posted: by TheCoho on Wed. 20 Jun., 2012 at 6:59:16 PM
In reply to: flowerpot "Not again (UPDATE) #2"

although worse for the siblings once they understand that they will have to step in and do what is best for their mother.

It is likely that your MIL's ornery temperament is due to her dementia and she probably will not be able to conclude anything on her own about her future care. This is why your DH and his sister will have to make decisions on her behalf. I went through this process with my mother 18 months ago. Hopefully, your MIL has a power of attorney in place along with advanced care directives regarding her future. If not, this might be a good time to look into getting her ducks in a row while she is still partly cognizant.

Wishing you all the best.


Coho salmon are prized for their excellent fighting abilities and acrobatics

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Yes,  Actions...
Posted: by flowerpot on Thu. 21 Jun., 2012 at 12:12:26 AM
In reply to: TheCoho "This is very tough on you..."
that sort of thing is all in place.   DH hates the idea of having to use it.  He is very upset and has been stewing over all this since Monday night, how to get through to her without too much of a battle.  He has enough on his plate right now and doesn't need this.
We know her nastiness is mostly caused by her dementia but it still hurts.  She has brought my SIL to tears more than once in the recent past.  DH just avoided her.  She doesn't say nasty things to me so hopefully I can get through to her.  Either that or I'll be on her bad list too, soon.
MIL just turned 84.

Thanks Coho.  And everyone else for your continuing support.

edited Thu. 21 Jun., 2012 @ 12:13:10 AM by flowerpot
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