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What do you wish you learned about relationships before jumping in?  Actions...
Posted: by MissCasanova on Sat. 7 Jul., 2012 at 5:31:26 PM
I was contemplating this question the other day.

Our mothers and other people in our lives teach us so much and give so much advice about various aspects of life.

What are some hard or soft truths you wish you learned about dating / relationships / marriage beforehand?

For me, and doesn't consistently apply but, sometimes a compromise doesn't always fit and sometimes it's not always fair (but I'm okay with that).

MissCasanova
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I've learned  Actions...
Posted: by shutterbug on Mon. 9 Jul., 2012 at 12:56:30 PM
In reply to: MissCasanova "What do you wish you learned about relationships before jumping in?"
1. that it really doesn't pay to jump in with both feet; test the waters first, and go from there.
2. listen to my gut; if it's telling me to run, I should do just that.
3. I deserve to be heard, and to have my own interests, and to not feel guilty because I'd rather scrapbook than go hunting.
4. good communication skills are the basis for everything.
5. the ability of both people involved to compromise is very important.

shutterbug
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you summed it up for me too,  Actions...
Posted: by vibrantgirl on Mon. 9 Jul., 2012 at 7:28:21 PM
In reply to: shutterbug "I've learned"
Shutterbug! :) 

I also think it is important to have some common interests, along with values and principles.

For me personally, I want someone who can share in some of the activities (like being in nature) that I find highly fulfilling. 

So, some compromise, and some common ground too.

vibrantgirl
edited Mon. 9 Jul., 2012 @ 7:30:37 PM by vibrantgirl
 
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Dear Vibrantgirl,  Actions...
Posted: by MMV on Wed. 11 Jul., 2012 at 5:19:24 PM
In reply to: vibrantgirl "you summed it up for me too,"
I learned this the hard way.  What a difference having common interests, values and principles make.  I was with my Ex for twenty years.  We were and are simply very different people.  I was very young when we got married and I didn't know what I know now.  Fast-forward to my very happy life with my present husband with whom I have SO much in common. Extremely different this time around due to this exact reason.  This is a valuable lesson I've shared with my adult children.          

MMV
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thanks for the validation!  Actions...
Posted: by vibrantgirl on Wed. 11 Jul., 2012 at 7:40:20 PM
In reply to: MMV "Dear Vibrantgirl,"
I've always felt this to be true, but second guessed myself a lot too, thinking I was being unrealistic. 

Now I am at a point where, knowing that it is hard to find someone who is really compatible in all of those ways, I am content to be single, and enjoy my interests with people who also enjoy the same things.





vibrantgirl
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In my humble opinion...  Actions...
Posted: by MMV on Wed. 11 Jul., 2012 at 9:39:18 PM
In reply to: vibrantgirl "thanks for the validation!"
you are not being unrealistic at all.  You are being mature, extremely self-aware and are not settling.  Good things come to those who wait, as they say.  You have an awesome and positive attitude, are living life to the fullest, and sooner or later, with all that, the right person for you will come into your life.  :)


MMV
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awww, thank you! n/t  Actions...
Posted: by vibrantgirl on Thu. 12 Jul., 2012 at 12:11:38 AM
In reply to: MMV "In my humble opinion..."
n/t

vibrantgirl
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Sounds like you're in a really good place  Actions...
Posted: by nikki61 on Wed. 18 Jul., 2012 at 10:24:56 AM
In reply to: vibrantgirl "thanks for the validation!"
in your life & I'm sure someone special will come into your life when you least expect it ;-)  Nikki

nikki61
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Common ground  Actions...
Posted: by shutterbug on Mon. 16 Jul., 2012 at 4:41:54 PM
In reply to: vibrantgirl "you summed it up for me too,"
Common ground is important to have, especially when it comes to things like values, goals, priorities. From what I found though, is that it doesn't much matter if you have common interests if the couple isn't going to partake in them anyways. My last ex and I had loads in common, but all he wanted to do was watch TV. That's all well and good, but I started getting antsy.

I recently joined eHarmony again, and have met someone that I already know (although not well; he's good friends with one of my good friends, and we've met a couple times). I didn't know how much we actually have in common, but most importantly, is sounds like our values and life goals are aligned. From what I can tell thus far, anyways.

shutterbug
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I'm so happy for you  Actions...
Posted: by nikki61 on Wed. 18 Jul., 2012 at 10:23:39 AM
In reply to: shutterbug "Common ground"

did you find E-Harmony to be a great dating website?  I'm currently on LL & POF but haven't had much luck & was thinking of trying E-Harmony.  From what I heard it's quite expensive.  Are there any other dating websites that you would recommend?    Thanks, Nikki

nikki61
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"Meet" Market Adventures  Actions...
Posted: by MMV on Wed. 18 Jul., 2012 at 5:32:58 PM
In reply to: nikki61 "I'm so happy for you"
Have you heard of this?  I've suggested it to single friends.  They have these in different cities.

MMV
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Yes, I have been to some of their events  Actions...
Posted: by nikki61 on Thu. 19 Jul., 2012 at 4:12:38 PM
In reply to: MMV ""Meet" Market Adventures"
but they can get quite expensive.  Do they have a good on-line dating site?  I would like to join if it's good.  Nikki

nikki61
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Don't know...  Actions...
Posted: by MMV on Thu. 19 Jul., 2012 at 4:50:06 PM
In reply to: nikki61 "Yes, I have been to some of their events"
if their on-line dating site is good, as I don't know anyone who's tried it.  I've heard people say good and bad things about different websites.  I met my husband on a francophone website in 2004.  I also have a friend who met her husband through Lifemates, but it's expensive.  I guess it's trial and error.  I wish you lots of luck! 

MMV
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Thank you MMV  Actions...
Posted: by nikki61 on Fri. 20 Jul., 2012 at 4:31:44 PM
In reply to: MMV "Don't know..."
I'm sure there's a great guy out there but I haven't met him yet ;-)  Nikki

nikki61
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Thanks!  Actions...
Posted: by shutterbug on Thu. 19 Jul., 2012 at 12:50:34 PM
In reply to: nikki61 "I'm so happy for you"
We haven't gone out for tea yet (that will be tomorrow evening), but we have a mutual friend, and have hung out a couple times.

I have had luck on EH, yes, and I like the fact that you get matched to people that you already have things in common with. And, I find that you can tell quite a bit by a person's profile, and the activities that they state that they're into. I also like the various levels of "communication" before you can start emailing a person. You can pick and choose your 5 questions carefully and change them up whenever you want. They also have a list of "must haves" and "can't stands" when it comes to relationships/partners, and the third level before EH email is writing your own 3 questions. This is kind of nice if you want clarification on something.

It is fairly pricey, but the cost per month goes down depending on how long you sign up for. I just signed up for a month, and it was $60. The first time I tried EH a couple years ago, I did the questionnaire, then left it. EH kept sending me emails offering me a deal, and I ended up signing up for 3 months at $10/month. Pretty decent! You do have to watch it though, as I found out that if you don't revoke your membership when your month (or 3 months, or 6 months, etc.) is up, they will automatically renew you and keep charging your credit card.

Other ones I'd recommend: www.chemistry.com, but this one is only for US residents. So, if you're in the US, I would try this one before EH. I've read extensively about this one, and it sounds fabulous, in my opinion!

Good luck! :)

shutterbug
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Yes, it sounds like  Actions...
Posted: by nikki61 on Thu. 19 Jul., 2012 at 4:14:35 PM
In reply to: shutterbug "Thanks!"
you got a great deal with E.H.  I've heard some people didn't like it because they were constantly matched with the same people.  Nikki

nikki61
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family  Actions...
Posted: by Nox on Wed. 15 Aug., 2012 at 12:49:00 AM
In reply to: MissCasanova "What do you wish you learned about relationships before jumping in?"
that when you are in a relationship with one person, you are not in a relationship with just that person - you are in a relationship with everyone they are in a relationship with.
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
                                                                                      George Carlin

Nox
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In a way, yes; in another way, no.  Actions...
Posted: by shutterbug on Thu. 23 Aug., 2012 at 6:54:04 PM
In reply to: Nox "family"
I guess it depends on how close the family is, how much merit their opinions have, and how able a person is to stand up for themselves.

Example: back when I was 22, I was dating a 30 year old farmboy-computer geek who lived one province over, and who was disliked by my entire family. They intervened and told me to break things off. I complied mostly because I didn't know how to stand up for myself, but also because I still lived at home, and played by the rules.

Fast-forward to current day: I'm 34 and am dating a 42 year old that my family has yet to meet. They do tend to be quite opinionated, but I've since learned to stand on my own 2 feet, and make decisions that I can be proud of and happy with. I also have my own place and instead of playing by the rules, I follow the road that brings me happiness. This man is also a geek (of the physics uni prof variety), and there's a chance that he also will be disliked. This time, those opinions hold no merit because I've never met another like him; he's absolutely wonderful and I'm over the moon!

So, there are factors. SO isn't in a relationship with my family/friends, he's in one with me. Yes, if things progress, he may become a part of my family, and I a part of his, but that is different. Even if things do hit that point, the only 2 people who will be making major decisions in that relationship are him and I.

shutterbug
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I don't jump - I'm cautious  Actions...
Posted: by DonnaD on Sun. 19 Aug., 2012 at 1:14:00 PM
In reply to: MissCasanova "What do you wish you learned about relationships before jumping in?"

I am a slow burn person - I like to really know a person before sharing bodily fluids - that's one thing that always has worked for me (nothing like a little longing, a little anticipation).  I like to evaluate things with my head before feelings & passion become too dominate. I think falling-in-love headiness can make us overlook some red flags - better to evaluate a potential match with feet firmly on the ground.

I try to figure out a potential partner's core values, which is the most important thing to me.  Behind what they say, I look at what they do - how they treat others & how they react to different situations. If we are on the same page regarding fidelity, honesty, integrity, kindness etc. - that's a good foundation to build on.  I have to find them interesting, able to laugh at life & at themselves, and attractive.

Some shared interests are a good thing; wanting similar things in life makes for more harmony.  I need to be with a good communicator and an affectionate person.  I think the most important thing to ask is, "Will I enjoy being with this person, just talking, spending time together, when we are old & grey?"  If the relationship is based too much on physical attractiveness without any substance, it likely will fizzle out.  A friendship, a meeting of minds, lots of laughter, are so important.

I'm married to a man who is not perfect, but is pretty perfect for me in many ways. We have always been a very passionate couple, and still are in our fifties, after 12 years together, but the foundation of our relationship is friendship and laughing at the same things in life - often it's at ourselves.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DonnaD
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DonnaD, I dig your post!  Actions...
Posted: by shutterbug on Thu. 23 Aug., 2012 at 6:58:49 PM
In reply to: DonnaD "I don't jump - I'm cautious"
n/t :)

shutterbug
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