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cut off from grandkids  Actions...
Posted: by Mrs__Anne on Thu. 7 Jun., 2012 at 4:17:38 AM
We have not seen our grandkids since Christmas day, our son did come over on Boxing day to pick up a check for the kids ed. fund. He was upset that his sisters didn't go to xmas dinner at his house,he invited them 2 days before with a message on answering machine. When we hadn't heard from him we went by with gifts for one grandson's and his wife's birthdays. We told they were not home as he stood in the door way and told we couldn't come in because he had a cold. A week later he came by and told us that he didn't want us around his family.   He told us that his wife's mother spent more time with the kids than we did(she does not work or have a husband so of course she has more time to spend with them)  We also felt that since they live so close to us that we didn't want to seem to be interferring in-laws. We love all our kids we have help them with down payments on houses, babysat when ask to and even paid for a family cruise( later heard that DIL wasn't happy where we went) and never ask for anything in return. At birthday parties for the kids we were treated like outsiders by her family and friends. We just don't know why they have turned on us.Yet they were upset when they were not invited to my birthday dinner, they can  not have it both ways. not want us around but get upset when not invited to go out with us.

Mrs__Anne
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Posted: by dreamer16 on Thu. 7 Jun., 2012 at 2:44:34 PM
In reply to: Mrs__Anne "cut off from grandkids"
It sounds like your son has made his decision for whatever reason.

You could call him up, ask to meet with him privately at a coffee place to discuss this further, if you wish.  If he agrees, then ask him if you've done anything to offend him.  If so, then maybe you'll be able to work with him on this and change this situation.  If not, or if he's not willing to acknowledge that there's any real problem other than what he's said, you'll likely have to let this go.

This is unfortunate, given all that you've done, but sometimes we can't control how others think and/or behave and we just have to live with it.

If you truly care, then continue to send the grandchildren gifts on their birthdays, Christmas, and any other occasions as you see fit, and continue to contribute to their RESPs.

That's likely all that you you can do.

Others might have some better suggestions.



"Why fit in when you were born to stand out?"  Dr. Seuss

 "Your beliefs don't make you a better person, your behaviour does."  (unknown)

"If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking."  George S. Patton

The poster formerly known as Writer Mom (stolen from Prince)  

dreamer16
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sounds very childish  Actions...
Posted: by green_sleeves on Thu. 7 Jun., 2012 at 3:18:50 PM
In reply to: Mrs__Anne "cut off from grandkids"
He didn't get his way over a last minute Christmas invitation? Who's to say they got the message? Something else is going on and you should try and find out what it is.
I also didn't realize being a grandparent was a contest of who spends more time with the kids. Huh? That was a 'reason'? Childish.
As dreamer said- see if he'll meet you for coffee to talk about why he doesn't want you around his family. This must be awful for the children- they don't need to see adults behaving like this.
I have a feeling this is his wife's doing.  'At birthday parties for the kids we were treated like outsiders by her family and friends'- That says a lot. Maybe it causes arguments when he goes against her. I don't know.

If he refuses to meet with you send him a letter expressing your concerns (to his place of work, wife might toss it). Has DIL shown signs before of controlling your DS?
I find it sad/lacking character that it was okay for him to drop over and pick up money for his children, accept gifts yet you aren't fit to enter his home? 
They are sending confusing signals- no one has the right to be upset over not being invited to an event if they want nothing to do with you- that makes no sense.

There is that old saying- a son is a son until he takes a wife, a daughters a daughter for the rest of your life. Silly but it does happen. 
Forgot to add- parents who do this to innocent children ALWAYS pay a price later on when there is parental or grandparent alienation....always. DS needs to be told this. 
                                          


                                                                             

No need to explain: your friends don't require it and your enemies won't believe you anyway.Grin


green_sleeves
edited Thu. 7 Jun., 2012 @ 3:21:34 PM by green_sleeves
 
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As others have said,  Actions...
Posted: by krissie on Fri. 8 Jun., 2012 at 5:07:42 PM
In reply to: Mrs__Anne "cut off from grandkids"
communicate with your son alone, and get to the bottom of this. Otherwise, it will yo yo back and forth until you leave this planet. Like an open wound that never heals. It's unfortunate, but there is always a reason for odd behaviour. Are you the family bank? Have you spoiled your son to the point where he has become greedy? and not appreciative?  Why are you giving money for grandkids education? Do they feel you are buying their love? Why doesn't he want you around his family, yet says you don't spend much time with them anyway, you'd think he would be asking you to come by more often.  I'll give it to you straight, if my kid told me to stay away from his home, the money would cease pronto. And no I wouldn't see it as punishing the grandkids financially, as no where is it written that I must support them financially for education.  I would redo my Will, if they didn't smarten up, and the grandkids would get a nice surprise when I exit.

krissie
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*Like* Krissie I agree with your post. n/t  Actions...
Posted: by Skater1 on Fri. 8 Jun., 2012 at 8:12:08 PM
In reply to: krissie "As others have said,"
   

 

Skater1
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I believe  Actions...
Posted: by Nanny G on Sat. 9 Jun., 2012 at 8:52:00 PM
In reply to: Skater1 "*Like* Krissie I agree with your post. n/t"
in tough love like the previous posters.

Nanny G
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Odd.  Actions...
Posted: by shutterbug on Mon. 11 Jun., 2012 at 1:40:58 PM
In reply to: Mrs__Anne "cut off from grandkids"
This whole situation sounds a little odd to me. If he wanted his sisters to come for Christmas dinner, why didn't he do a follow-up call? As for his cold, I know men are babies when they're sick, but seriously, a cold? Take a Halls and suck it up, buddy. Speaking of sucking it up, sounds like he has a bit of that to do, along with some growing up. You guys have gone above and beyond for him and his family, and he really shouldn't be treating you like this. Whatever his issue is, he should grow up and work it out for the sake of family.

shutterbug
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I'm sorry this  Actions...
Posted: by Koda on Mon. 11 Jun., 2012 at 4:42:35 PM
In reply to: Mrs__Anne "cut off from grandkids"
has happened to you. You can only do what you can, it's unfair but seems this kind of thing happens far too often. 

I'm kind of in the opposite position, my parents cut me off over 20 years ago. I tried tirelessly the first year or so, apologizing (didn't do anything wrong), sending cards & letters, phone calls, etc. 

I hope that the situation can be worked out for the sake of everyone. 


Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity. — Simone Weil

Koda
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I'm sorry to read this, Koda  Actions...
Posted: by dreamer16 on Tue. 12 Jun., 2012 at 11:01:34 AM
In reply to: Koda "I'm sorry this"
I've been an non-entity to my mother for the past 35 years (she favours my brother), and although I have seen her, it's only when she decides that she wants to spark a relationship and then she pretends it's as though nothing has happened.  Then she disappears again for years.  I always bend over backwards to treat her well and never give her a hard time about anything, but it's always the same.  Nothing I do is ever good enough or right.  And I was always the terrible child.  (I never did anything wrong as a child; I had the type of childhood where I was terrified to make any type of mistake.)  She came to my eldest daughter's baby shower and it was put down after put down (I was busy helping my other dd and my friend do everything), and apparently, this large crowd of people were looking around, basically saying, who is this woman, and someone said it was my mother, and no one could believe that I'd have a mother who would behave this way.  Most of them didn't even know that I had a mother.

So there you go.

Sometimes we have parents that just don't want to be part of our lives for whatever reason and we can't do much about this.

In my case, I've just chosen to make my own family unit the very best that it can be.  And now, we're much closer than my own (initial) family ever were and ever will be.  That's all that really matters.

And you've often spoken of your son and dh, so that's what matters to you.  Forget about these two people who have cast you aside for whatever reason.  Just continue on with your life as best as you can.  That's all that people such as ourselves can do.  :-)






  




 


"Why fit in when you were born to stand out?"  Dr. Seuss

 "Your beliefs don't make you a better person, your behaviour does."  (unknown)

"If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking."  George S. Patton

The poster formerly known as Writer Mom (stolen from Prince)  

dreamer16
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yes, of course  Actions...
Posted: by Koda on Tue. 12 Jun., 2012 at 11:55:35 AM
In reply to: dreamer16 "I'm sorry to read this, Koda"
that is what I've done also. It's very sad because my Aunts were treated the same way by their mother, my Mom said she would never do that. Oh well, it's certainly their loss all these years, they don't know what wonderful grandchildren they have & their wonderful daughter. I was also like you, very afraid to do anything wrong & always trying to be the perfect child. 


Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity. — Simone Weil

Koda
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There's pain in  Actions...
Posted: by krissie on Tue. 12 Jun., 2012 at 12:40:37 PM
In reply to: Koda "I'm sorry this"
a lot of situations, even sibling rivalry.  I think we just have to go on and do the best we can with whoever we have in our lives. It's funny because we often hear people should forgive and forget. For some it's the hardest thing they could ever be faced with in life! Like you say, they are the ones who miss out.

krissie
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In reply  Actions...
Posted: by Outline on Sun. 17 Jun., 2012 at 2:42:43 PM
In reply to: krissie "There's pain in"
I did not get where you live exactly. I believe however you have legal rights to see your grandchildren.

I know a number of grandparents facing your situation. If you cannot communicate with your son and you can afford it, contact a lawyer..

Outline
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I think you meant  Actions...
Posted: by krissie on Mon. 18 Jun., 2012 at 1:21:12 PM
In reply to: Outline "In reply"
this response to the original poster.

krissie
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UPDATE  Actions...
Posted: by Mrs__Anne on Wed. 27 Jun., 2012 at 1:58:26 AM
In reply to: Mrs__Anne "cut off from grandkids"

Well father's day has come and gone.  My DH did get a gift from our DS but it was address to his first name and there was no card with it, I had to phone to find out  who sent it.  It would have been nice for him just get a call he said like the other kids did.  Would like to thank all for the advice, We are now going to just  go on with life and maybe at some time the grandkids will be asking ( if they are not already ) what happened to us and   why they don't see us any more. Very surprized we haven't ran into each other because we do live very close, but that could be a good thing.  

Mrs__Anne
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different perspective...  Actions...
Posted: by Simply_Trying on Wed. 27 Jun., 2012 at 10:22:35 AM
In reply to: Mrs__Anne "UPDATE"

Not sure this is the case  and only speaking from my own feelings...

I grew up in an environment of big families, door always opened and see each other all the time..DH came from a family of two children and while MIL is Italian and you would think family is important it was always  different  with them.

They never came over unless they had something to drop off ... While they did babysit the kids at times , it did seem that as long as they gave nice gifts , it was good enough. My kids felt closer to the grandparents leaving far away then with DH `s parents who lived in the same town.   Eventually when a comment was made that our daughter did not want to give Papa a hug (she was extremelly shy and did not hug anyone anyway) DH went over and had a talk with his parents, explaining that our kids did not really know them as grandparents but instead more like aquaintances...They were shock by the conversation but realized that there was some thruth to it .   

I could not help but compare my parents with my in laws and it would hurt  to see my in laws unable to show how much they loved the kids with words and affection instead of money gifts.   Recently MIL told me that she finally feels like we are family ????   I`ve not done anything different on way of interacting with her  and I think it came from my being there for her .  

I know for a fact that I often vented to DH that I wish his family was family more often then during Birthdays, Holidays and Funerals...

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.
Henry David Thoreau

Simply_Trying
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