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Oh well,  Actions...
Posted: by JustZisGal on Sun. 24 Jun., 2012 at 1:54:25 PM
In reply to: Outline "update"

this was predicable.

I think it's really malicious the way both of your daughters are taking advantage of this situation and trying to put your feet to the coals like this. 

 

JustZisGal
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ditto  Actions...
Posted: by ginny123 on Sun. 24 Jun., 2012 at 2:20:07 PM
In reply to: Outline "update"
Ditto to what Queen B said.  Take some responsibility and apologize, but let her know you're there for her.    Obviously there's a lot more going on with the fact that this dd doesn't normally call you, and said this should have been done before.  Maybe now's the time to start mending relationships, and perhaps she'll follow if you take a positive lead.

ginny123
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Not so much an accident  Actions...
Posted: by Simply_Trying on Mon. 25 Jun., 2012 at 9:44:59 AM
In reply to: Outline "An accident"

much more like a choice was made...

While venting is needed at times, once words are expressed out loud they are no longer private. Anything said over a phone becomes a risk of being overheard .   While your younger daughter may need to apologize for reacting strongly, she has the right to listen to anything coming out of her cell phone .

You made choices in your life , Divore, moving to Europe and they were your choices to make just as your Daughter made the choice to marry who she chose, have the music she wanted .   It was petty of you to comment on the fact that her grandparents would have not like the choice made by their grandaughter.  Maybe they love her enough to keep their feeling private on this and wish her hapiness. 

Would you have been happy to hear your choices being trashed by loved ones?

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.
Henry David Thoreau

Simply_Trying
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Update to situation  Actions...
Posted: by Outline on Mon. 2 Jul., 2012 at 9:52:31 AM
In reply to: Simply_Trying "Not so much an accident"
So I wrote the letter. First apologized. She wrote back and asked what had I said to my friend on the phone? I had asked to call, she said go ahead.

I wrote back that the times were not good. Then wrote a letter, explaining that when I married my parents did not like my husband and it was along this line I had expressed myself to my friend. Tried to call again and she would not respond.

So????

Outline
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What do your parents have to do with this situation?  Actions...
Posted: by Marsha on Mon. 2 Jul., 2012 at 11:16:04 AM
In reply to: Outline "Update to situation"
What bearing does your parents' opinion of your husband (I presume you are talking about her father...y'know, the man who seems to have raised her) have to do with the fact that you said unkind things about your daughter's husband.

As Koda said, an apology should be just that .... start adding "buts" and explanations and it is no longer an apology and you usually end up just digging yourself in deeper.  

Your daughter may or may not choose to accept your excuses or forgive you.  I mean this is her husband, a man she loves and the father of her daughter. In her shoes, I would not take kindly to the sorts of criticisms you've levelled at him here (I think you referred to him as "a bum", though I cannot see any of your other posts as I type this) and I would have a hard time overlooking that sort of stuff.

So??? The ball is in her court and she may be willing to overlook this or choose to move past it (though she may need time to get over how hurtful it is) or she may not.  It is her choice.

Marsha
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Telling the  Actions...
Posted: by JustZisGal on Mon. 2 Jul., 2012 at 12:08:20 PM
In reply to: Marsha "What do your parents have to do with this situation?"

OP to not add "buts" and "explanations" after the apology has been sent is the same as trying to put the toothpaste back into the tube. 

JustZisGal
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No it's not  Actions...
Posted: by Marsha on Mon. 2 Jul., 2012 at 1:01:24 PM
In reply to: JustZisGal "Telling the"
It's making excuses for inexcusable behaviour.  An apology is "What I said about Dave was thoughtless and I realize now how it was really hurtful and also just not my place and none of my business. I love you and trust you enough to put faith in your choice.  I only hope you can forgive me because I love you and want to maintain a relationship with you and get to know Dave better to see the man you see and the qualities you see in him.  Also, I was a complete horse's *ss to criticize the music at your wedding - that was just plain petty.  I am trying to learn a lesson from all of this and to be a better mother."

Marsha
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adding  Actions...
Posted: by Koda on Mon. 2 Jul., 2012 at 2:03:55 PM
In reply to: JustZisGal "Telling the"
'but' or 'explanations' is just adding fuel to the fire, keeping the issue alive so to speak! A person should never add an excuse to the end of an apology. No, she can't take back what she said on the phone or what her daughter heard, it's done. Apologize and then move forward, never take a step backwards! Work on rebuilding the relationship instead of dwelling. 



Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity. — Simone Weil

Koda
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It is  Actions...
Posted: by JustZisGal on Mon. 2 Jul., 2012 at 12:19:16 PM
In reply to: Outline "Update to situation"

true that you are not the only mother who didn’t or doesn’t like their SIL, and I find it humorous that your daughters and some other people want to use the 9-tailed whip on you for feeling that way. It is funny.

By making such a big deal about this, your daughters are just showing their immaturity. I would ignore them, but if they ever try to stop you from visiting your grandchildren tell them that you will go to a lawyer about it and do go to a lawyer.

The reason I mention the lawyer is because this might go that way (I do think your daughters are immature enough to play that sort of game) and that you should know that you have a right to see your grandchildren regardless of your relationship with your daughters. Knowing that might make you feel less powerless in this situation. 

 

 

JustZisGal
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Yes, involving a lawyer should really help things a lot  Actions...
Posted: by Marsha on Mon. 2 Jul., 2012 at 12:57:51 PM
In reply to: JustZisGal "It is"
considering that she lives in Europe and her baby granddaughter is here and it is a parent's right to limit their child's exposure to someone they don't like (even a grandmother), I doubt that hiring a lawyer would get  the OP very far in this regard.  If she wants to get dirty and involve lawyers, her daughter can certainly get just as dirty and make a pretty valid case for how the OP deserted her own  child, was not a good mother and has continued to be critical and disapproving.  Not likely to benefit the OP at all.

Marsha
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Lawyers can become involved for visitation regarding grandchilden if their own child dies...  Actions...
Posted: by lrjen on Tue. 3 Jul., 2012 at 8:33:28 PM
In reply to: JustZisGal "It is"
and they want to arrange visitation with the grandchildren.  Otherwise the parents can decide who see's their children and it is their choice alone. I certainly wouldn't have appreciate being told who could see my children when they were underage especially if I didn't approve.

lrjen
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that's a shame  Actions...
Posted: by rusel on Wed. 4 Jul., 2012 at 5:38:46 PM
In reply to: Outline "Update to situation"
That's really a shame that the times your daughter suggested you call, were not good for you.  I think I would have jumped through hoops to call at any time that would have suited her. 

Still, if you want to write another letter, I would leave anything to do with you and your marriage and your parents out of it.  This is about her, not about your parents or your husband.  Just concentrate on the current issues that are hurting her and causing the breakdown in your relationship.    At least two examples of what to say have been offered to you; 
one in Marsha's post: "No it's not", 
and another in QueenB's post: "I would say something like this".

rusel
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Update  Actions...
Posted: by Outline on Mon. 9 Jul., 2012 at 8:37:53 AM
In reply to: rusel "that's a shame"
I got a letter from my daughter really putting me down. But the door is still, however tentatively, open. I am deeply affected by this whole incident and cannot deal with it.  I have apologized and been dragged through the dirt.

Basically she suggests I stay in a b&b or hotel when I visit and go down from Toronto.That does not appeal to me in the slightest and I will really have to see how I feel.

Calling? Nope not until some time passes. Meanwhile I am packing up here and moving to Toronto.

Thanks for all your comments!Angel

Outline
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Good that the door is still open  Actions...
Posted: by shutterbug on Mon. 9 Jul., 2012 at 1:02:35 PM
In reply to: Outline "Update"
Glad to hear that the door is still open between you guys. I'm sorry that you feel you've been drug through the dirt, but if I were your daughter, I'd be a little miffed too. As for staying in a B&B, if that's the way you get to see your daughter, then I would snap up that opportunity. At least she is still willing to get together, plus, there are some really cute B&Bs out there.

shutterbug
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Hi Outline.  Actions...
Posted: by WaillinJen on Mon. 9 Jul., 2012 at 1:08:54 PM
In reply to: Outline "Update"

I don't blame you for feeling like you've been dragged through the dirt. You were dragged though it by your daughters and in some of the posts too.

WaillinJen
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I Agree  Actions...
Posted: by Sock Puppet on Mon. 9 Jul., 2012 at 2:48:06 PM
In reply to: WaillinJen "Hi Outline."
You are so right.

Sock Puppet
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LOL  Actions...
Posted: by sueabc on Mon. 9 Jul., 2012 at 4:22:58 PM
In reply to: Sock Puppet "I Agree"
That gave me a huge chuckle, "Sock Puppet" .


sueabc
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