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Do you miss the days of living on your own?  Actions...
Posted: by Chatelaine_Team on Tue. 7 Feb., 2012 at 9:45:17 AM

Were you happier then? A sociologist discusses the phenomena of living alone and why women are apparently better at it than men.

Chatelaine_Team
edited Tue. 7 Feb., 2012 @ 9:55:35 AM by Chatelaine_Team
 
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I think I am one of the "unfortunate?" few that has never lived on their own.  Actions...
Posted: by Seriouslyconfused on Tue. 7 Feb., 2012 at 10:10:57 AM
In reply to: Chatelaine_Team "Do you miss the days of living on your own?"

I went from being someone's child and living in the parent's house to being a wife, then a mother. Even when the marriage broke up - I wasn't alone I had my children. 

 I don't know what it's like to make a decision solely on my wants. To this day I don't think I really know the "who" of me.  I know what I am to others, I know what roles I've taken on in life and they mostly have to do with how I relate to others.

I've wondered throughout the years, who I would be had I taken the time to know myself by living alone. What different choices would I have made? Where would I be today, would I be happier?  I guess those questions will never be answered.

 

The retraction of ones statements cannot change the initial impact or intent of words once said.

~Jaded Queen~
Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Seriouslyconfused
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I've  Actions...
Posted: by Koda on Tue. 7 Feb., 2012 at 10:42:22 AM
In reply to: Chatelaine_Team "Do you miss the days of living on your own?"
never lived on my own, always had my kids. My husband travels a lot for business so I'm used to not having a 'man' around the house so I'm sure living on my own wouldn't be too difficult. In fact, I might enjoy it.


I'm like you 'seriouslyconfused', everything I do is about everyone else. Not much has been about me, not even the meals we eat. When, on the rare occasion, I do something for myself, there have people that have called me selfish.


Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity. — Simone Weil

Koda
edited Tue. 7 Feb., 2012 @ 10:44:27 AM by Koda
 
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This is something my DD sent to me recently  Actions...
Posted: by Seriouslyconfused on Tue. 7 Feb., 2012 at 11:28:50 AM
In reply to: Koda "I've"

She's tried to get me to stop worrying the way I do for some time now.  Maybe it might fit into your life as well. What she said to me was "Another way of wording what I said to you before."  I often wonder how I got such a smart and insightful daughter.

 

The retraction of ones statements cannot change the initial impact or intent of words once said.

~Jaded Queen~
Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Seriouslyconfused
edited Tue. 7 Feb., 2012 @ 11:30:45 AM by Seriouslyconfused
 
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you got  Actions...
Posted: by Koda on Tue. 7 Feb., 2012 at 11:55:33 AM
In reply to: Seriouslyconfused "This is something my DD sent to me recently"
a bright & insightful daughter because you raised her!! At least that's something we can be proud of, how well our children turned out.

Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity. — Simone Weil

Koda
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I only lived alone  Actions...
Posted: by Oreocookie on Tue. 7 Feb., 2012 at 1:59:18 PM
In reply to: Chatelaine_Team "Do you miss the days of living on your own?"
when I was in school.  I was married right after finishing and then became a mother.

I wish now I had maybe waited, and became my own person first.  Taken a job wherever I wanted doing whatever I wanted.  Instead I followed my Dh.  Now I'm just a wife and mother.
I get sick and tired of always having to look after everyone and their needs and cleaning up their messes.

I might enjoy being on my own even if I had nothing.....

Oreocookie
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yeah  Actions...
Posted: by Koda on Tue. 7 Feb., 2012 at 2:53:45 PM
In reply to: Oreocookie "I only lived alone"
I hear you
Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity. — Simone Weil

Koda
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I like both  Actions...
Posted: by margab on Tue. 7 Feb., 2012 at 2:22:02 PM
In reply to: Chatelaine_Team "Do you miss the days of living on your own?"
Interesting reading that people who never lived alone, feel that's the reason why they aren't (or don't sound) equal and fulfilled now.  Hmmm, good food for thought.

I lived alone, shared apartments with friends, traveled with friends and traveled alone.  Dh was similar, and we were both quite independent when we met, and quite capable of living alone. 

Now, we're more of a team, no one of us is 'in charge' or 'has' to do anything.  I was home with the kids for years, so did more of the cooking, but I also did more of the finances and investing as I had the time.  He quite appreciated that I put my career and income on hold to be home with the kids, though he'd joke that I was the stay-at-home-mom who was never-at-home, lol.

We plan things and decide what to do together, and include the kids too.  If I wanted time alone, the others could easily go out for the day, or I could go away if I really wanted to.  We've always tried to treat each other as equals and not take anyone (dh, dw, dk) for granted.


margab
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But this has nothing to do with  Actions...
Posted: by Seriouslyconfused on Tue. 7 Feb., 2012 at 3:12:37 PM
In reply to: margab "I like both"

"independence" or being "appreciated" or "being fulfilled" or of being "equal", I am all of that.  The question and uncertainty is because we have never "Lived Alone" would we fundamentally be the same person as we are now.

I'm not advocating that if I had lived alone for a while that my life would have been better - just it begs the question, would I be the same person I am today as each day and each person we interact with shapes us in some manner.

 

The retraction of ones statements cannot change the initial impact or intent of words once said.

~Jaded Queen~
Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Seriouslyconfused
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It does to me!  Actions...
Posted: by margab on Tue. 7 Feb., 2012 at 3:58:51 PM
In reply to: Seriouslyconfused "But this has nothing to do with"
Some of the comments in your posts, as well as in the posts of others, gave me a picture of someone who is not independent, etc.  I read many negatives; that might not be the message the poster was wanting to get across, but that's how I read it - so hard when you don't see the non verbals!   However, I was commenting on all the posts, not just yours.  

As well, while I feel an equal with my spouse and am quite independent, it doesn't necessarily follow that if I hadn't lived and traveled independently, that I would not be so now. 

margab
edited Tue. 7 Feb., 2012 @ 4:01:55 PM by margab
edited Tue. 7 Feb., 2012 @ 4:07:54 PM by margab
 
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But being independent  Actions...
Posted: by Seriouslyconfused on Tue. 7 Feb., 2012 at 4:38:31 PM
In reply to: margab "It does to me!"

doesn't necessarily mean you don't do or select or act in a certain way versus another way. 

It means (to me at least) if I make an independent decision it doesn't necessarily follow that I do not take my partners likes or dislikes into consideration when making that decision.  I am independently making the decision, but I'm basing that decision on more than a single input.

Do I regret not living alone?  Absolutely not.  But I can wonder what it would have been like and what decisions I would make on that basis. To regret not living along would be akin to regretting my first marriage (there were some good times) and to regret my children which I absolutely don't regret - to regretting my second marriage and my wonderful husband.  I wouldn't change my life at this point, for anything.  

 

 

The retraction of ones statements cannot change the initial impact or intent of words once said.

~Jaded Queen~
Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Seriouslyconfused
edited Tue. 7 Feb., 2012 @ 4:41:34 PM by Seriouslyconfused
 
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don't think I was criticizing you!!  Actions...
Posted: by margab on Tue. 7 Feb., 2012 at 5:04:19 PM
In reply to: Seriouslyconfused "But being independent"
I don't think I asked, or suggested you 'regretted' living alone, did I?   My comments were what I read in the posts, not just yours, which as I've said, came across "to me", as negative.  It's why I wrote in brackets "don't sound", ie: to me,  as that's the way I read them.   I was replying to the original post with my views, as asked for, lol.

Both dh and I can function very well alone and independent of each other, but sometime need to remember to depend on the other.     Of course independent decisions should consider other people; they're not mutually exclusive!  Sometime I forget to tell dh what's going on or buy something without letting him know, and vice versa - not an issue at all, but sometimes we need to depend on the other a bit more, rather than just doing what needs doing when the other could have helped.

 I've traveled to other countries with the kids w/o dh, and in summer school breaks when the kids were little & dh was working, a friend or two and I would take the kids away for a few days all the time.   I sold our house once while dh was out of town.  We needed to sell as were moving, but he had to go out of town, so I did it all (faxed him the papers to co-sign and accept the offer), and he came home to a "sold" sign!  He was thrilled;  I'd had to put up with house showings with a house full of little kids, lol  Wink

margab
edited Tue. 7 Feb., 2012 @ 5:11:34 PM by margab
 
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I wasn't suggesting at all that you were critizing  Actions...
Posted: by Seriouslyconfused on Tue. 7 Feb., 2012 at 5:11:24 PM
In reply to: margab "don't think I was criticizing you!!"

anyone or what has been said. I hope I was only pointing out that to be independent can take may forms and occurs in many ways.  People can certainly be independent in relationships as well as when they are on their own.

The OP topic wasn't really about dependence/independence it was about living alone, which is something I've obviously never done.

 

The retraction of ones statements cannot change the initial impact or intent of words once said.

~Jaded Queen~
Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Seriouslyconfused
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..............  Actions...
Posted: by margab on Tue. 7 Feb., 2012 at 5:19:32 PM
In reply to: Seriouslyconfused "I wasn't suggesting at all that you were critizing"
I edited my last post, while you were writing, so you may not have seen it.   You might want to re-read it, as hopefully I made it clearer.   I feel that the question of living alone is related to several growth factors.  Independence is one, but of course it may or may not be successful and of course one can become independent without living alone.   I brought it up, as there seemed to be a few negative posts in this thread, and the negatives seemed to be from those who had not had the opportunity to live alone prior to marriage.  Again, it's only my views, as was asked in the OP, and how I read the previous posts!

margab
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FYI  Actions...
Posted: by Koda on Tue. 7 Feb., 2012 at 5:42:03 PM
In reply to: margab ".............."
I was not one of those people who lived with my parents then headed for marriage. I had a full-time job while supporting a young child for 5 years, while living on our own in an apartment. I met my husband when my daughter 4.

So, technically I have never lived 'alone', but really I've been on my own a lot over the years making me pretty independent.













Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity. — Simone Weil

Koda
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An aside to Koda  Actions...
Posted: by shutterbug on Tue. 7 Feb., 2012 at 5:52:59 PM
In reply to: Koda "FYI"
Hey there! Just wanted to say that I dig your avatar!

shutterbug
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yeah  Actions...
Posted: by Koda on Tue. 7 Feb., 2012 at 5:55:51 PM
In reply to: shutterbug "An aside to Koda"
it's a good one.

Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity. — Simone Weil

Koda
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Wow, I'd be the first one to agree that it's often times  Actions...
Posted: by Seriouslyconfused on Tue. 7 Feb., 2012 at 5:44:35 PM
In reply to: margab ".............."

easier and safer to be able to depend upon another, both for moral support and in decision making.  I don't really see all that many negatives in what's been said here, just what if's.  The other side of the coin, of course, is that a person who is always alone may never know and may wonder what if a different path had been choosen.

Re the growth factor - I agree with you here as well, but to say that because one has never lived alone that their growth factors is more or less than someone that hasn't lived alone might be a mis-statement.  I think the growth factor just may have taken off in another direction, or place of importance in a persons life.

As you say, interesting discussion and one that could be debated for a while and would go good with a glass of wine.

 

The retraction of ones statements cannot change the initial impact or intent of words once said.

~Jaded Queen~
Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Seriouslyconfused
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I've only lived alone for one month of my 60 years  Actions...
Posted: by Lexi on Tue. 7 Feb., 2012 at 4:29:10 PM
In reply to: Chatelaine_Team "Do you miss the days of living on your own?"
The only time I lived alone was the month before dh and I were married. We took possession of our apartment on Nov 1st and were married on Dec1st. I lived in the apartment for November. It was kinda fun being on my own and I might have enjoyed doing so for longer, but I wasn't about to call off the wedding with less than a month to go.

Lexi

Lexi
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Heee, I'm still there!  Actions...
Posted: by shutterbug on Tue. 7 Feb., 2012 at 5:42:11 PM
In reply to: Chatelaine_Team "Do you miss the days of living on your own?"
Once moving away from home (i.e., my folks' house), I've never had a roommate; always lived solo. Now, I share my place with 2 dogs, and I love it! I wouldn't have it any other way, unless of course cost of living rises significantly, and a roommate would help out in that regard.

shutterbug
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